Friendship in the Time of Coronavirus

A new book about friendship, Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close, could not be more well-timed. In the last five months, the coronavirus pandemic magnified the importance of our nearest and dearest. Many of us are discovering which relationships sustain us and, in some cases, which relationships that we are ready to let go of. 

In a recent conversation for The Atlantic, the book's authors, Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow, discuss how they saved their friendship from a difficult place. We are living through a particularly fraught moment in time, and indeed our friendships are feeling the effects of this stress. In the conversation, Friedman said, "Part of understanding why we both wanted to stay invested in this friendship necessitated a new language around what kind of friendship this was. I also think that part of it is that humans are messy and intimacy is hard, no matter what form that takes."

This idea of a new language is beneficial as we learn what it means to be a friend in 2020. Here are some of the ways I've been thinking about how to keep our friends close.

First things first, friends keep friends safe. An interaction that is safe and one that isn't is going to vary from place to place as the year goes on based on what the coronavirus's spread looks like in each community. If you are planning a reunion with a friend, be sure you have a solid understanding of how in control (or not) the spread of the virus is where you live. If in doubt, these are good times to err on the side of caution for both you and your friend's health and safety.

Before seeing friends, make sure everyone is on the same page. What may feel okay and safe for you may not feel that way for your friend. Comfort levels about interaction and physical proximity will be different for everyone. Find out what your friend's expectations are for an in-person meeting and be clear about your own. Is a masked hug okay? Would your friend prefer that everyone stay masked and six-feet apart at all times? Whatever you decide between you, make sure that you set and respect boundaries. If someone's comfort level changes during an interaction, respect that too. There will be an ongoing conversation about boundaries and personal space, and that is good and healthy.

Listen. I say this all the time in my writing about relationships, but… just listen. If your friend is going through a tough time, being present with them and giving your mental and emotional energy is such a powerful healing tool. If you feel you may have something valuable to offer them, ask if they'd like any advice before dispensing it.

Be gracious. Don't judge the level of someone's commitment to your friendship based on how quickly they respond to a text message—especially not during a global pandemic. Recognize that we're all going through different things and processing what is happening on different timelines. It may take a while for someone to get back to you, and that's okay.

On the flip side, if you're able to, be available for friends who need you. Making it a point to let people know you're there for them (even if you can't be physically) is a beautiful way to show you care. Sometimes just knowing that someone else is thinking of them is enough to help someone get through a tough time.

If there's a friendship that is important to you, now is the time to make sure that person knows you appreciate them.